Found this in a May 2001 Reader’s Digest (Asia edition). Cat owners can relate…

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The long-running musical CATS brought audiences a romanticised view of these well-loved pets. Despite the elaborate costumes, popular songs and lively dancing, the play didn’t quite capture the essence of our feline companions. Here is what CATS should have done:

1 Audience members should have entered the theatre only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.

2 Sometimes the actors would have performed, but sometimes not — depending on their mood.

3 When certain audience members opened their playbills, cast members should have attempted to lie down on them.

4 For no apparent reason, the actors should have randomly run to the lobby and then back to the stage at top speed. They then should have continued as if nothing had happened.

5 A special audience member might have found a headless bird in his or her seat after intermission.

6 The show would have had to stop several times to allow cast members to bathe and groom themselves.

7 Most of the final act should have consisted of the cast just staring at the audience.

– Jerry Simpson, Jr., and Louis Buzek